Last night I finally shut down my Facebook page.
Ever since we went on a cruise this time last year, my Facebook participation has dropped. I shut off all the notifications that were sent to my phone and immediately noticed a difference in my day. My phone wasn't constantly interrupting me with shit I didn't care about, and anytime I felt it vibrate, I could be almost certain someone was communicating with me. It was like a breath of fresh air.
Once we got back to the real world (which was a sad, sad, day--I vow to live on a Disney cruise as soon as possible) I kept the notifications off. I couldn't go back to that noise.
Fast forward a year. Even after multiple purges of my friends list and hiding all that stupid Farmville shit, the "news feed" was still a long list of crap I scrolled past without bothering to read. Aside from a few family members and a very few actual friends, I glossed over 99% of what was spewed there:
"My kid is so cute today he-" Skip, my kid is cuter.
"Check out this hilarioious video!!" Skip, seen it already. Last week. Not funny.
"Wow u think u know a person until they stab u from the back. U know who u are." Skip, stupid drama.
"Who's down for getting sloshed at The Drafthouse tonight?" Skip, I don't live there anymore and wouldn't anyway.
"My frans are the best!" *picture of girls in a bar, making duckfaces* Skip, duckface.
And on and on,
ad naseum.
So one night, laying in bed, I decided to shut that bitch off. Then I felt it: an odd sense of dread. Like I was going to miss out on something important if I didn't have a Facebook account. I tried to figure out what that could be, but all I could come up with was a vague feeling of, "Well, someone might try to contact me!" even though I knew that never happened. Or if it did, they had a (usually better) way other than Facebook to get in touch with me.
Still, the feeling persisted, so I put it off. A part of my brain kept rationalizing my continued use of something that only wasted my time. It told me that I'd lose touch with friends, that I'd talk to my family less, that I'd be abandoning people and closing myself off to social interaction. When I really thought it through, though, these reasons rankled me. Really? I'll lose my friends? My family will fade off into the distance, never to be heard from again? I'll be choosing to be an outcast? This is what it felt like, but rationally I knew it wasn't true.
Then it hit me: Facebook had cleverly tricked me (and I'm sure many others) into thinking it was the
only way to keep in touch with my friends. That abandoning Facebook was equal to abandoning my loved ones. Which is pure horseshit.
Once I realized this, good old-fashioned spite took over and I posted notice that I was shutting her down the next morning. By about 10:30pm that night I clicked the link to deactivate my account and haven't felt a twinge of regret since.
Because really, fuck you, Facebook. There are far, far better ways to keep in touch with my venerable homeboys and girls than you:
E-mail! I love e-mailing because it's like tiny writing projects. I love it so much, I still take the time to put a dash between the "e" and "mailing". And when I e-mail someone, I can say whatever the balls I want without having to worry about everyone I know seeing and commenting on it.
And with Gmail (which I take for granted everyone uses, but maybe not) we can Gchat! For years and years my best friend has been a dude I've met once in real life, but with the exception of Kasey and Jonas I talk to him more than anyone else. How? Over Gchat. I'm on it all day.
Texting! Another thing I'm on all day. Coordinating with Kasey, setting up dinner plans with my aunt, or saying howdy to faraway friends, it's my favorite and
de facto standard of communication.
Telephone! Usually I'm not going to call someone, but I could.
Twitter! I use the crap out of Twitter. Not as much as some people (I still don't have alerts sent to my phone unless someone directly messages me) but anytime I post here or to my Tumblr a link gets tweeted. I've also "talked" to my favorite author a handful of times via Twitter, which is bomb.
Tumblr! This is where I post all the cool shit I run into on the Internet, and in combination with Twitter it's how I let everyone know, "Hey, cool shit over here." I like it much, much better than Facebook's timelines or newsfeeds or whatever they're calling it now.
This blog! I've been horrible about steady blogging, I know. But still. I couldn't post something of this size on my Facebook page, now could I?
FaceTime! I wish more people would FaceTime with me. Currently my only FT buddy is Kasey's brother, and usually that's to tell Jonas goodnight when he spends the night over there. But c'mon man, this is the future! It should be FaceTime all the time!
Handwritten letters! You bet your ass I actually do this. Usually to say thanks to my grandma and other people, this is the way it used to be done, and it is an enjoyable bitch. Especially if you're a badass and write strictly in pen like I do. But it's the most personal, awesome way to really show someone you care about telling them whatever it is you're telling them.
Typed letters! You can also bet your ass I'm going to start doing this, now that I have a typewriter. Want a typewritten letter? Just let me know, I'll mail that shit straight to your door.
Face to face. Yep, the OG style of communication. Right in someone's grill. Body language and all. Even though I kind of shy away from immediate, close-proximity conversations, this one has to be my favorite.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't need Facebook, and neither does anyone else. I know it's so easy, and literally everyone and their grandma is on it, but it's crap. There's no meaning there. It's all just a bunch of people spamming each other.
Carve out some of that wasted Facebook time for
other things. Read, write, go outside, play, bang, take a bath, call someone up, hang out, have a conversation. Actually
do something. Something to make all your Facebook friends wish they had been there.
- David
