I'm not a big drinker. Partly because it's against my religion and partly because last Halloween I went to a friend's party and played to lose. I can't even remember the end tally but it was a lot, it was varied, and it was fast. I disobeyed the whole Beer Before Liquor rule and I paid for it. If I was awake I was throwing up. For twelve hours. After that my body kind of put us off alcohol for a while.
This weekend my friends took me to some cowboy bars. I had mentioned a few weeks earlier while helping one of them move that I wanted to go to one and he made plans. We only hit up two but we were out late and closed one down. On his scale of Dive Bars the first was apparently a 5, where 1 is you get stabbed as soon as you walk in the door. I found it so amusing that the parking lot was full to the brim with big trucks. My area isn't big on trucks and it seemed every one was at this bar.
The inside was crowded to the door and right on the left was a pregnant beermaid in tight jeans, a stretched wifebeater, and a cowboy hat, the ribs of her shirt expanding over her round belly and outie belly button. She had a galvanized horse trough filled with ice and beer. She accepted cash only, credit had to go to the bar. I picked what I mistook for a Guiness because of the G on the cap (only the tops were visible in the icewater) which really turned out to be a Miller Genuine Draft. It was very cold and I didn't really taste it before it was gone. Its hotter than seems natural for any place other than an over outside this time of year.
The first four or five songs weren't country at all and I was a little let down although the place was filled with old and new school cowboys and cowgirls. Old school being very tight jeans under the mushroom of large bellies in tucked in brushpoppers and sweat-stained cowboy hats. The new school consisting of jeans that allow circulation and baseball caps. Everyone was dancing, smoking, drinking, or talking loudly but I guess that's every bar.
Old and new schools alike danced to R&B and Eminem on the wooden dance floor smack in the middle of the place. A projection screen played sports on the opposite side of the room from me showing gymnastics of all things. Something from the Olympics years back I think. Lights with colored plastic covers shone on white hats getting down to bassy music. Finally a country song came on and everyone cheered and went from in-place-gyrating to more traditional country dancing although I never got to see any line dancing. Pointed boots went toe to toe twirling, stepping, and never quit running into eachother. I realized I kind of missed this culture even though Cowboy Up stickers make me grimace.
After loosing a race to finish another beer I bummed a smoke off my friend. He smokes menthols in a green and white pack with filters that are empty at the very end. He tells me this makes them a little less deadly, although I can't work out how. I don't smoke cigarettes regularly and this one probably made the list as number six or seven ever. I don't inhale. I'm an avid cigar smoker though and figured after over two and a half years I could probably inhale and be okay. I executed a small pull and after a second's hesitation I inhaled deeply through my mouth until my chest puffed out. After a moment I exhaled and noted with interest how at first no smoke was visible before finally exiting my lungs at the end of my breath. I wonder if smoke sinks inside people's lungs. No coughing, although admittedly it was a small drag. I go for more quantity and ended up coughing for a bit and wiping my eyes as I laughed. Part of me is glad to know that cigar smoking (in which you never inhale) does not callous your lungs to poisonous smoke. My friend shook his head and advised me not to get used to hit. He wants to quit but his concentration levels go right out the window. I advise the patch and switching to American Spirits because they are all natural. My parents are big into natural healing.
I watch a drunk man about my height but allover skinnier in a straw hat get down to more rap before leaving the dance floor to hang on a young couple just outside our little group of three. I wonder if he knows them. A waitress walks by and he tries to pinch her ass and laughs as he misses. I try to catch her reaction but she must be used to this or know the guy as she's laughing at something else already. I don't think his attempt was more than half-hearted. He comes over to us and says a few things I can't remember now, something about thank God for women. My menthol friend adds, "Thank God for tight jeans!" The cowboy laughs and says he don't care whether they're tight or loose, he's after what's inside.
I turn just in time to see two middle-aged women at the table in front of us lean up over the table and start making out. One may have had a lime in her mouth, I'm not sure, but my friend tells me the skinnier one was groping the other one like crazy. I think they both had boyfriends there with them. I was surprised. I didn't know country chicks were into that, although I guess the times and the liquor make it probable. I have no problem with girls locking lips.
Someone left hooker-red lipgloss with sparkles on the wide railing where I stand. There are ashtrays and empty beer bottles and some kind of bottle-opener contraption that's about the size of a beer can. My friend took it home after the grab-ass waitress said she doesn't ever use it, putting into his ever-present black messenger bag.
We decide to head out to another bar. I've never bar hopped before. We decide on a place in a higher-class part of town, something with Handlebars in the name. I'm a little silly but fine to drive. I want to smoke one of the three cigars I brought with me. I always bring more than I think I'll need just in case someone else wants one or I end up with more time on my hands. The place we head isn't good for this because in that part of town smoking indoors is prohibited. I hate laws like that. I have no problem with smoking bans on family-centered establishments like McDonalds but a goddamned bar? Please sir, you can't smoke in here. Now what kind of liquid poison would you like before you chat up some drunken stranger in the hopes of getting laid?
This new place has an amazing live band. Apparently they're sponsored or something by a big country music station. The singer has a guitar hanging from his shoulders while he plays a fiddle. They mix Rolling Stones and Elton John in with their set. The actual bar is setup so that one loop of the racetrack shape is indoors and the other out. My tall buddy and I stake out a table under the misters while my menthol friend gets drinks. We've been paying the cover and he pays us back with beer. The stools are dripping with condensation so we move farther onto the patio to hard metal chairs and table. The chairs bump out at the top and poke me in the shoulders uncomfortably if I lean back. We talk about movies, video games, and fantasy books for hours. For a short stretch we talk about our ladies but only for about fifteen minutes.
My friend with the cigarettes is married, as am I. My tall friend has a girlfriend of about a year now, I think. They met in college, where my wife met them. They all went to school together to get bachelor degrees. I have a generic associates in another field. While we're watching boot scootin' boogies my wife and Tall's girl are out at a vampire club with another good female friend of ours. They all dressed up in black and had fun doing eachother's hair and picking out clothes like it was a costume party in October. I didn't get to see them dressed up because they decided not to "waste" it when we all went out to dinner.
Menthol is falling asleep at Tall's apartment as we watch a censored version of Casino. It's 2:00am. I text my wife and apparently she's been home for about thirty minutes. After ten minutes or so of sitting on the couch inert I decide to head out. Menthol leaves too, using his reserve tank for driving.
We chat all the way home and she tells me about the outfits, the music, the weird dancing. I make a couple half-jokes after she mentions how sore her legs and ass are. She doesn't wash off her makeup or unmake her hair so I can see it when I get there. She has dark rings around her eyes and red lipstick. Her hair is in a million layers on back and she has long earrings with crucifies and ankhs in black. She looks nice.
I start to doze a bit on our bathroom floor propped up by the wall and cupboards under the sink while she showers. I'm so ready for bed at this point. I'm the kind of tired where I'm fully conscious but a lot of things just don't seem to merit a response.
Finally, thankfully, completely I fall into bed and wait to fall asleep. I'm too tired to wait. I want instant sleep. I don't remember when it finally happens but it does.
Yee haw!
- BuddhaDave
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